HUMAN - CHRISTINA PERRY

Hai, assalamualaikum! 大家好！

我是 Aiza and 欢迎来到 my blog. 

昨天是 mummy 的生日. And i had a mental breakdown. I finally broke down. 

And cried for a good one hour today. The stress is finally too much for me to handle. I finally feel emotionally drained. Everything is just too much. 

Rasa macam anak tak guna. Dari kecik sampai besar dok jadi beban je pada parents. I feel like it would be better if im just gone. Out of their lives. I even considered jumping of the window of this 9 floor apartment. Also considered running away from home bcs sitting by a 9th floor window would cause too much attention. I just dont want to exist anymore. 

I want to go. I want to die. 

I havent had a good cry like today in years. Even when i broke up with my ex i didnt cry like this. 

I thought i was strong. I tot i could hold evrything in. But ya Allah sungguh aku ni hamba Mu yang sangat lemah. Ampunkan aku ya Allah. Ujian macam ni pun aku tak boleh handle, tak boleh tahan. Tapi setiap hari mintak dengan Engkau macam2. Hina nya aku ya Allah. Please forgive me. 

You know what’s worst? Today is mummy’s birthday. Tho i didnt have much planned... it’s definitely not this. Not me having a mental breakdown. Im sorry mummy for being such a useless daughter. Im sorry tak dapat happy kan mummy on your birthday. I wanna say tried but did i really? Im sorry tak dapat belikan mummy hadiah idaman. Did you what i had planned to get mummy this year? Gelang emas. Did you know what i actually got her? A 20ringgit jug. Ya Allah hina nya aku rasa. Mummy spent so much for me, and for her birthday, tu je yang aku mampu bagi? Sedangkan she deserves so much more. Im sorry. Im really sorry. I will try harder. 

Oh yeah... i cried for an hour. Then i stopped. And cried again until i fell asleep. Then again when i woke up. And right now, typing this out. The tears dont seem to want to stop. 

Please ya Allah take me out of this pain. Take me out of this hardship. Help me get back on my feet. Help me make mummy’s dreams come true. Help me to stay strong to keep working, to keep trying, to not stop. Help me ya Allah for i am helpless without you. Grant me the best health, hilangkan lah segala sakit migraine aku ya Allah. I need to be healthy, to always stay healthy. I need every ounce of energy i have in me to keep trying. I need every cell in body to keep working. Until i can finally achieve these things:

1. A million in savings.

2. A 3-storey bungalow for mummy.

3. Mummy running out of things to ask from me & places to go. Meaning: semua benda dia dapat. Apa je dia nak berdesup boleh terus pergi beli, whatever cost. 

There’s nothing i want more than no 3 to come true, for now. Seeing mummy happy is my source of happiness. Seeing mummy free to buy everything she wanted & go everywhere she wanted. Seeing her able to do everything she wanted. Panjangkan kah umur mummy supaya sempat aku tunaikan semua ni. Help me make this a reality ya Allah. 

Thank you for the wake up call. 

27/1/21