HUMAN - CHRISTINA PERRY

Hai, assalamualaikum! 大家好！

我是 Aiza and 欢迎来到 my blog. 

昨天是 mummy 的生日. And i had a mental breakdown. I finally broke down. 

And cried for a good one hour today. The stress is finally too much for me to handle. I finally feel emotionally drained. Everything is just too much. 

Rasa macam anak tak guna. Dari kecik sampai besar dok jadi beban je pada parents. I feel like it would be better if im just gone. Out of their lives. I even considered jumping of the window of this 9 floor apartment. Also considered running away from home bcs sitting by a 9th floor window would cause too much attention. I just dont want to exist anymore. 

I want to go. I want to die. 

I havent had a good cry like today in years. Even when i broke up with my ex i didnt cry like this. 

I thought i was strong. I tot i could hold evrything in. But ya Allah sungguh aku ni hamba Mu yang sangat lemah. Ampunkan aku ya Allah. Ujian macam ni pun aku tak boleh handle, tak boleh tahan. Tapi setiap hari mintak dengan Engkau macam2. Hina nya aku ya Allah. Please forgive me. 

You know what’s worst? Today is mummy’s birthday. Tho i didnt have much planned... it’s definitely not this. Not me having a mental breakdown. Im sorry mummy for being such a useless daughter. Im sorry tak dapat happy kan mummy on your birthday. I wanna say tried but did i really? Im sorry tak dapat belikan mummy hadiah idaman. Did you what i had planned to get mummy this year? Gelang emas. Did you know what i actually got her? A 20ringgit jug. Ya Allah hina nya aku rasa. Mummy spent so much for me, and for her birthday, tu je yang aku mampu bagi? Sedangkan she deserves so much more. Im sorry. Im really sorry. I will try harder. 

Oh yeah... i cried for an hour. Then i stopped. And cried again until i fell asleep. Then again when i woke up. And right now, typing this out. The tears dont seem to want to stop. 

Please ya Allah take me out of this pain. Take me out of this hardship. Help me get back on my feet. Help me make mummy’s dreams come true. Help me to stay strong to keep working, to keep trying, to not stop. Help me ya Allah for i am helpless without you. Grant me the best health, hilangkan lah segala sakit migraine aku ya Allah. I need to be healthy, to always stay healthy. I need every ounce of energy i have in me to keep trying. I need every cell in body to keep working. Until i can finally achieve these things:

1. A million in savings.

2. A 3-storey bungalow for mummy.

3. Mummy running out of things to ask from me & places to go. Meaning: semua benda dia dapat. Apa je dia nak berdesup boleh terus pergi beli, whatever cost. 

There’s nothing i want more than no 3 to come true, for now. Seeing mummy happy is my source of happiness. Seeing mummy free to buy everything she wanted & go everywhere she wanted. Seeing her able to do everything she wanted. Panjangkan kah umur mummy supaya sempat aku tunaikan semua ni. Help me make this a reality ya Allah. 

Thank you for the wake up call. 

27/1/21

LEO

A memory came in her mind and she let out a little laugh. 

It has been 2 years since. It was here, by this lake that they met for the first time. And it was on this bench that they said their first words to each other. 

She was only 25 years old then. On her first solo trip to China. She was recording a vlog, excitedly talking about the beautiful scenery before her eyes. She had been to China a few times before, mostly on business trips. A couple of times with her family. This is the first time she get to enjoy ShangHai on her own. 

"Hai, assalamualaikum! 大家好！是我，爱请。And I'm here today, by the famous ShangHai lake. Selalu tengok dalam cdrama je kan, harini finally dapat tengok depan mata sendiri!" 

Little did she know, there was a pair of eyes watching her. What caught his attention was her ability to speak in 3 languages. He was impressed. And later, couldn't take his eyes off her. 

She saw the bench he was sitting on. And approached it. 

"Excuse me, is there anyone sitting here?" She asked in fluent mandarin. He shook his head. She took a seat & began checking the footage she had recorded. Her obsession of being perfect can be toxic sometimes. It's a vlog, it's supposed to be spontaneous. Yet, she still check the footage & would rerecord if there's any flaw on it. 

He took the chance to ask her. 

"I noticed that you spoke in 3 languages. Mandarin, english, and... What's the 3rd one?"

"Oh, it's Malay. I'm Malaysian." She replied without even looking up from her camera. 

--------

Leo: I want us to go public.

Ai Qing: Haa?

Leo: Let's go public. 

Ai Qing: Why...?

Leo: Are you not tired of sneaking around? Don't you wish we can go on dates freely? 

Ai Qing: I do, of course. 

Leo: So... Let's make our relationship public. 

Ai Qing: Not until you're ready. 

Leo: I've been ready for a long time. Ai Qing, we've been together for 1 year now. How long do you want to go on like this? I want to show the world who my girlfriend is. 

Ai Qing: No, you're not ready. 

Leo: What do you mean? 

Ai Qing: Leo, you're at the peak of your career. The offers never stop coming. You're living your dream. Your fan base is huge. 

Leo: I want to live my dream with you. 

Ai Qing: I don't want to ruin that.

Leo: How can you ruin that?

Ai Qing: Making our relationship public will ruin that. 

Leo: You don't know that.

Ai Qing: I do.

Leo: How?

Ai Qing: I don't think your fanbase would accept you dating a muslim. 

Leo: I don't care about that.

Ai Qing: You do baby. You have to. They're one of the reason you're where you are now. 

Leo: I'm willing to give this up. Move to Malaysia with you & live a quiet life. 

Ai Qing: Leo, no... Don't do that for me. 

Leo: Well, if I had to choose, I would choose you, always. 

Ai Qing: Haih... 

---- 

She was the one who had called off the relationship. She couldn't let Leo give away his entire career for her. She knows people wouldn't accept the fact that he was dating a muslim. A foreigner at that. He would receive a lot of backlash. So she decided to make the choice for him even though it pains her. 

Now she's finally back at the place where it all began. She's here for a business trip. And somehow her heart kept wanting to come here. So she came. Sipping on her hot cup of coffee. Enjoying the view & the chilly weather. Winter is coming soon. This scene is just all too familiar. 

"Ai Qing?" 

A familiar voice called out her name. She turned her head. And it felt like time had stopped. Leo. 2 years had passed since the break up. 2 years had passed since the last she saw him. 2 years had passed since the day she left a note for him & never to be heard of again. 

Tears welling up in her eyes. The moment that their eyes met, she realized that she still loves him. The feelings never went away. She had simply suppressed them. Drowning herself in her work. She could see that he was also trying to hold himself together. He slowly walked up to her. 

"Leo." She said with a smile. 

"How are you, Ai?" She had to take a moment to reply. Trying to hold back her tears. Ai. It has been 2 years since she last heard that name. Leo was the only person that calls her that. 

"I'm great. How are you, Leo?" 

"I'm fine too." 

"Are you here alone?" 

"Yeah... Like I always am. I had a meeting nearby & thought I'd give this place a visit. Are you shooting nearby?"

"My girlfriend is, I'm waiting to pick her up." 

The words came like bullets to her heart. Well, can she blame him? She's the one who walked out on him. 

"Oh." Was all she could replied. Silence. She couldn't speak. He didn't know what to say. 

"I gotta go. Nice to see you again, Leo. Don't forget to invite me to your wedding, okay?" She forced a laugh. The tears started rolling as soon as she turned around. 

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