HUMAN - CHRISTINA PERRY

Hai, assalamualaikum! 大家好！

我是 Aiza and 欢迎来到 my blog. 

昨天是 mummy 的生日. And i had a mental breakdown. I finally broke down. 

And cried for a good one hour today. The stress is finally too much for me to handle. I finally feel emotionally drained. Everything is just too much. 

Rasa macam anak tak guna. Dari kecik sampai besar dok jadi beban je pada parents. I feel like it would be better if im just gone. Out of their lives. I even considered jumping of the window of this 9 floor apartment. Also considered running away from home bcs sitting by a 9th floor window would cause too much attention. I just dont want to exist anymore. 

I want to go. I want to die. 

I havent had a good cry like today in years. Even when i broke up with my ex i didnt cry like this. 

I thought i was strong. I tot i could hold evrything in. But ya Allah sungguh aku ni hamba Mu yang sangat lemah. Ampunkan aku ya Allah. Ujian macam ni pun aku tak boleh handle, tak boleh tahan. Tapi setiap hari mintak dengan Engkau macam2. Hina nya aku ya Allah. Please forgive me. 

You know what’s worst? Today is mummy’s birthday. Tho i didnt have much planned... it’s definitely not this. Not me having a mental breakdown. Im sorry mummy for being such a useless daughter. Im sorry tak dapat happy kan mummy on your birthday. I wanna say tried but did i really? Im sorry tak dapat belikan mummy hadiah idaman. Did you what i had planned to get mummy this year? Gelang emas. Did you know what i actually got her? A 20ringgit jug. Ya Allah hina nya aku rasa. Mummy spent so much for me, and for her birthday, tu je yang aku mampu bagi? Sedangkan she deserves so much more. Im sorry. Im really sorry. I will try harder. 

Oh yeah... i cried for an hour. Then i stopped. And cried again until i fell asleep. Then again when i woke up. And right now, typing this out. The tears dont seem to want to stop. 

Please ya Allah take me out of this pain. Take me out of this hardship. Help me get back on my feet. Help me make mummy’s dreams come true. Help me to stay strong to keep working, to keep trying, to not stop. Help me ya Allah for i am helpless without you. Grant me the best health, hilangkan lah segala sakit migraine aku ya Allah. I need to be healthy, to always stay healthy. I need every ounce of energy i have in me to keep trying. I need every cell in body to keep working. Until i can finally achieve these things:

1. A million in savings.

2. A 3-storey bungalow for mummy.

3. Mummy running out of things to ask from me & places to go. Meaning: semua benda dia dapat. Apa je dia nak berdesup boleh terus pergi beli, whatever cost. 

There’s nothing i want more than no 3 to come true, for now. Seeing mummy happy is my source of happiness. Seeing mummy free to buy everything she wanted & go everywhere she wanted. Seeing her able to do everything she wanted. Panjangkan kah umur mummy supaya sempat aku tunaikan semua ni. Help me make this a reality ya Allah. 

Thank you for the wake up call. 

27/1/21

LEO

A memory came in her mind and she let out a little laugh. 

It has been 2 years since. It was here, by this lake that they met for the first time. And it was on this bench that they said their first words to each other. 

She was only 25 years old then. On her first solo trip to China. She was recording a vlog, excitedly talking about the beautiful scenery before her eyes. She had been to China a few times before, mostly on business trips. A couple of times with her family. This is the first time she get to enjoy ShangHai on her own. 

"Hai, assalamualaikum! 大家好！是我，爱请。And I'm here today, by the famous ShangHai lake. Selalu tengok dalam cdrama je kan, harini finally dapat tengok depan mata sendiri!" 

Little did she know, there was a pair of eyes watching her. What caught his attention was her ability to speak in 3 languages. He was impressed. And later, couldn't take his eyes off her. 

She saw the bench he was sitting on. And approached it. 

"Excuse me, is there anyone sitting here?" She asked in fluent mandarin. He shook his head. She took a seat & began checking the footage she had recorded. Her obsession of being perfect can be toxic sometimes. It's a vlog, it's supposed to be spontaneous. Yet, she still check the footage & would rerecord if there's any flaw on it. 

He took the chance to ask her. 

"I noticed that you spoke in 3 languages. Mandarin, english, and... What's the 3rd one?"

"Oh, it's Malay. I'm Malaysian." She replied without even looking up from her camera. 

--------

Leo: I want us to go public.

Ai Qing: Haa?

Leo: Let's go public. 

Ai Qing: Why...?

Leo: Are you not tired of sneaking around? Don't you wish we can go on dates freely? 

Ai Qing: I do, of course. 

Leo: So... Let's make our relationship public. 

Ai Qing: Not until you're ready. 

Leo: I've been ready for a long time. Ai Qing, we've been together for 1 year now. How long do you want to go on like this? I want to show the world who my girlfriend is. 

Ai Qing: No, you're not ready. 

Leo: What do you mean? 

Ai Qing: Leo, you're at the peak of your career. The offers never stop coming. You're living your dream. Your fan base is huge. 

Leo: I want to live my dream with you. 

Ai Qing: I don't want to ruin that.

Leo: How can you ruin that?

Ai Qing: Making our relationship public will ruin that. 

Leo: You don't know that.

Ai Qing: I do.

Leo: How?

Ai Qing: I don't think your fanbase would accept you dating a muslim. 

Leo: I don't care about that.

Ai Qing: You do baby. You have to. They're one of the reason you're where you are now. 

Leo: I'm willing to give this up. Move to Malaysia with you & live a quiet life. 

Ai Qing: Leo, no... Don't do that for me. 

Leo: Well, if I had to choose, I would choose you, always. 

Ai Qing: Haih... 

---- 

She was the one who had called off the relationship. She couldn't let Leo give away his entire career for her. She knows people wouldn't accept the fact that he was dating a muslim. A foreigner at that. He would receive a lot of backlash. So she decided to make the choice for him even though it pains her. 

Now she's finally back at the place where it all began. She's here for a business trip. And somehow her heart kept wanting to come here. So she came. Sipping on her hot cup of coffee. Enjoying the view & the chilly weather. Winter is coming soon. This scene is just all too familiar. 

"Ai Qing?" 

A familiar voice called out her name. She turned her head. And it felt like time had stopped. Leo. 2 years had passed since the break up. 2 years had passed since the last she saw him. 2 years had passed since the day she left a note for him & never to be heard of again. 

Tears welling up in her eyes. The moment that their eyes met, she realized that she still loves him. The feelings never went away. She had simply suppressed them. Drowning herself in her work. She could see that he was also trying to hold himself together. He slowly walked up to her. 

"Leo." She said with a smile. 

"How are you, Ai?" She had to take a moment to reply. Trying to hold back her tears. Ai. It has been 2 years since she last heard that name. Leo was the only person that calls her that. 

"I'm great. How are you, Leo?" 

"I'm fine too." 

"Are you here alone?" 

"Yeah... Like I always am. I had a meeting nearby & thought I'd give this place a visit. Are you shooting nearby?"

"My girlfriend is, I'm waiting to pick her up." 

The words came like bullets to her heart. Well, can she blame him? She's the one who walked out on him. 

"Oh." Was all she could replied. Silence. She couldn't speak. He didn't know what to say. 

"I gotta go. Nice to see you again, Leo. Don't forget to invite me to your wedding, okay?" She forced a laugh. The tears started rolling as soon as she turned around. 

-----

Home

 "It feels like home," she said. Breaking the silence. Eyes fluttering. It is as if she had gone deep in her mind and just come back to reality. 

"What?" Z asked, confused. 

"True love. That's what it feels like. It feels like home," A repeated herself. "You feel comfortable. And secured. Safe. Like home," she continued. Her mind traveled back to all those years ago. 

A Dream

 "Okay, sure." 

Finally, a yes. After months of trying. After months of nos. He finally said yes. He finally agreed to a date. Finally, a chance. That's all she has been asking for. A little chance. 

"So... Where are we meeting? Lunch?" 

"I prefer dinner, and I'll pick you up." 

"Okay, then." 

But wait... What do I wear? All I have is work clothes. What kinda makeup should I go for? Natural? Or should I go all out? I don't think he likes that kinda girl. But oh shit I'm out of concealers. It's fine, A. It's fine. At least your hair is... A complete mess. Oh. My. God. IT IS TIME TO FREAK OUT. 

***** 

"I know how to make her stop," says S. 

"How?" 

"Give her a little...scare..." S gave O a meaningful smirk as he finishes off his sentence. And O, always in one mind with S, immediately understood the assignment. He picked up his phone again, and typed out: 

"Okay, sure." 

Sent. 

*****

"Thank you for tonight, O. It means a lot to me." 

"No probs." The smile never left A's face the entire night. Not until she turned her head to the car window and notices that... This isn't the right way. 

"Umm... But... This is not the way to my house, man." 

"Didn't say I'm sending you home." O smirks. A felt the air shift. Her happy smile turned into a nervous smile. Her heart started racing. Something's not right. Her mind spinning trying to find a way to get out of the situation. 

But the car is moving at 100km/h. What can she do? 

"We're here." O's voice startled A. She was too deep in her thoughts, imagining every scenario that can happen. But act cool, act cool. You'll get through this. 

"Where exactly?" 

"My house. Let's go up." 

A followed. Finally understanding what's going on and what's about to happen. If this is the game you want to play, so be it, O. 

They got up to O's apartment. A dropped her handbag on the couch. "May I?" she asked, gesturing at the balcony. 

"Sure. Go ahead. I'll get you something to drink."

A went ahead and stepped out to the balcony. The view here is amazing. Too bad this will be her first and last time here. Maybe. 

"You like it?" O whispers. So close. His lips barely touched her ears. A smiled. Ah, the game has begun. 

"Yeah, the view here is really pretty." O placed his hand on the railings. Now A was sandwiched between O and the glass railings. One tiny movement she'll be touching O. And she could feel that O was inching closer and closer to her. 

None of them said a word. A's heart was racing like crazy. She understood now. Why the sudden yes after a constant no. And here she thought her efforts were finally working. No... He's only trying to get rid of her. 

Alright then. 

A turned around to face O. As she thought, he was so close. Not even an inch apart. Almost touching. She put her arms around his neck. O's eyes widened. Surprised by her actions. With one hand stroking his face, down to his neck, A whispered:

"Did you really think this would scare me?" Now it was O's turn to be scared. He never would've thought A was this daring. 

A let out a little laugh. "Try again next time," she said. She gave him a little peck on the cheek and pushed him away. Grabbed her bag and left. Never to be seen again.

And O? Left in awe. 

The First, The Hardest

It's 2.30am.

I'm caffeinated and buzzing with ideas. Might as well write something up. Maybe it would be useful in the future, when I need to reflect on myself. Also, I remembered this one video I watched on YouTube and it said, 

"Success is determined by the tiny little decisions we make in our lives." Or something like that. So rather than wasting the time blinking in the dark and overthinking, I thought, why not make the decision to get out of bed and get these ideas out. 

Here's one of them.

A few weeks ago - or was it month? For the love of God, I don't remember when. Time to pass by weirdly during MCO. Haha. 

Anyway, I started taking the steps to take control of my life. To earn back what I had lost. This pandemic and MCO is really taking a toll on me. I have been feeling so helpless and lost. No motivation whatsoever.

And that one day, I decided. Enough is enough. I need to get back on my feet. Take back my life. I need to get better. Get out of these depressing thoughts and feelings. 

The first step to that is admitting that I need a job. So starting from that day, I had been planning, sorting out my life, tiny little steps at a time. Well, mostly I finally had to sort out my work. Build a portfolio, something I can show to the employer to prove my worth. 

Ah, you know the drill. 

It took me weeks to get it done -- surprise, it's not done. But throughout the days leading up to this second, I have updated & upgraded my resume, submitted a few dozens job applications, and even went through a few 1st rounds interviews. 

Besides that, I've also been upgrading my knowledge, taking online courses, watching YouTube videos, etc. I get busier and my mind keeps buzzing with more ideas every day. 

And I realize something -- aha typical Aiza, taking too long to get to the point. 

The first is always the hardest. 

The first time I tried to collect materials and compile them for my portfolio, I felt like it's too hard. I didn't I even have materials worth showing. But as I go through them, every posts, every copywriting, every visuals, every ads, every screenshot, everything. I was able to separate the gems from the trash. I started to find my own worth and capabilities, too.

Here we go, Aiza -- you are NOT useless. 

The first time I tried to sort those materials out, presenting them in a way that other people can understand, I find it hard to do. Very hard. But as I kept trying different ways of presenting them, it gets easier. I slowly started to understand the materials, what I wanted to show, and the best way to present them, of course. 

The first time I tried to update my resume, I didn't know how. I didn't know how to include my experience of being a small business owner in it. But as I kept googling different templates and job descriptions of small business owner, it gets easier. I understand myself and responsibilities better. 

The first time I had an interview -- after years of not having any -- I was so nervous that I couldn't even relax. I spent every waking hours worrying and watching/reading tips on answering the questions. I pretty much flunked my first interviews because I was too nervous. But after a couple of them, they get easier. My answers and preparation gets better after each one. 

But no, I didn't get shortlisted to any of them. 

Looking back now, what was it that I was so afraid of? It's not that I can't do it, it's just that I'm not used to it. It's new.

And something new is always scary. The unknown is always scary. 

But hey, I got through it. And I'm sure you would too. Don't give up. 加油！

Just freaking killed a cockroach with my planner,

Aiza Kamal. 

3.03am, July 2021. 

The Last Link

It was a quiet night. The Movement Control Order was in place. No one was allowed to go out after 9pm. She was scrolling through TikTok, like always. There was not much that she could do during this pandemic. She stumbled a TikTok she could relate to and her fingers quickly tapped on the share button, wanting to share with him. 

She stopped. Remembering that she had blocked him. It had been a month since. But the force of habit was still there. It was her decision to stop talking to him. It was her decision to block him from Instagram. But not a day went by without her mind wandering off to him. Without her wanting to unblock, just to say hi again. 

"I hope you're doing well," she thought to herself. She continued on scrolling. TikTok, very addicting. People can spend hours on it and not notice the time going by, not notice the world going by. 

The silence of the night and her peace of doing nothing was interrupted by the sound of her mother's voice, screaming her name.

"What?!" She shouted back from her room. Mom came in with her phone on her hand. 

"Someone committed suicide in Melaka. His name was J too. Is it him?" Mom said, remembering that her daughter had a friend called J. A, panicked, hurriedly got up from her bed and checked her Twitter account. If there was any news on suicide, that would be the place to look. 

Yes, there was a suicide. Yes, the name was J too. But there was no picture to say that it was him. Her heart started beating faster. She quickly switched on over to Instagram, her email, her WhatsApp, all of her accounts that were used to talk to him. Unblocking him everywhere. 

And on her Instagram she found. His message. He had send her a link, yesterday. With fingers trembling, she clicked on the link. It lead her to a video of him. Heart beating faster. She's almost hyperventilating. 

"Oh god no, please don't," she cried in her heart. 

She took a deep breath. Tried to steady her shaking hands. Tried to convince herself that it wasn't him. That this video is a prank. Like how he used to tease her all the time. She took another deep breath. It's going to be okay. And clicked on play. 

Just a few seconds in, just seeing his smile, just hearing his voice. She started crying. She had missed him so much. Why did she decided to block him off again? Over her insecurities and jealousy? Dumbass. Why was that so important? More important than the time with him? 

And then it got to the main part. He started saying sorry. To everyone he knows, but not to her. He started saying goodbye. To everyone he knows, but not to her. No. He must be kidding. He's teasing me again. 

She went back to Twitter, Google even. Searching for every bit of news about the suicide. Wanting to confirm that it's him, even though she had just watched his suicide note. She couldn't believe it. 

No. God no. Please.

Why the fuck. 

And then she finally found it. The complete news. It. Was. Him. 

She broke down. A million thoughts going through her head. But one was the loudest. 

The love of her life, gone. 

Original idea: J.

I'M BACK

 Hai, assalamualaikum! 大家好！ 

我是 Aiza. And 欢迎来到 my blog. 

So... I have decided to go back to blogging. 

Scrolling thru my drafts, I realized it has been years since the last time I blogged. My last post on this blog was back in 2012. I was still in high school. And then I tried starting a new blog. Which was a fail. 

Everything after my last post on this blog, they were just random posts. Luahan hati bila my relationship got a little hard. I no longer update my blog on the regular as I did back when I started. 

现在, I've even graduated from the university. A whole lifetime had passed & now I'm back. I'm gonna start blogging on the daily basis again. Just like I used to do. 

Well, back then, I could only blog whenever I have the laptop with me. Dulu laptop kena share with the whole family. Every chance I get, I would write an update. Or make up short stories.

Sometimes, I even asked dedi for the laptop just so I can blog. Hahahah! 

现在, we each have our own laptops. Bukan laptop je, segala macam mak nenek gajet pun ada. So what's my excuse to not blog on a daily basis, right? Ada... Alasan nye malas je. Hahahaha! 

Anyway, I was thinking about why I stopped blogging. Dulu semangat betul tulis blog. Every tiny little detail of I go thru in my daily life, semua aku update. Bangun kul berapa, makan apa, rehat watpe, homework apa, gocoh ngan siapa. EVERY. TINY. LITTLE. THING. 

Aku update macam ada orang kesah. Hahahahah! Tapi makin lama makin kurang update, makin malas post. And eventually, stop terus. 

When I said the last time I blogged was in 2012, I meant properly. Properly blogging. Typing out every details of my daily life. I tried again a few times before. But each new blog was abandoned. So, why did I stop? And why was it so hard to come back to blogging? 

I pondered upon these questions for a few days... 

And here's the reason I've figured out! 

Why I stopped?

1. I started caring too much about followers & readers. Aku rasa cam takde orang nak baca blog aku. Dengan ada nye blog yang properly planned & written out, siap ada theme of topics bagai, aku jadi insecure & rasa blog aku tak menarik. No one would be interested. 

2. Aku rasa blog is no longer relevant. When I first started, blogging was IT. Almost everyone had a blog. Sekarang... Banyak socmed ada boleh merempan. Tak perlu baca blog dah. 

3. I got lazy of course. With the increase in workload & stresses, aku jadi malas nak menaip, nak fikir what to blog about. Ada masa free je, tidur. Also, bila ada boyfriend, I don't stay in my head. 

4. My blog was a cringe-fest. Aku baca balik post2 lama, aku cringe sendiri, segan sendiri. Like... Apa benda ko ni pun nak citerrr? Hahahaha! Maklumlah, dulu semua benda story kat blog. Crush ngan siapa, dating ngan siapa, ponteng sekolah ke tak, gaduh ngan siapa... Dengan tulisan rempit nye. Aduhhh. 

5. And the reason why I failed to start again... I was trying too hard to follow in everyone else's footsteps. Aku tengok orang blog pasal fashion, make up, blog2 yang ada spesifik theme camtu, aku nak wat jugak. But those kind of things have never been my passion. 

Reflecting upon these reasons... I've discovered my true passion. I'm going back to my roots. Blogging sebab writing is my form of expression. I get my thoughts out better thru writing. Kadang-kadang bila bercakap, apa yang dalam kepala otak aku tak habis keluar, tak sampai. Nak melukis, tak reti. 

So writing it is. 

Lagipun sekarang single, aku spend banyak masa in my head. Berangan, reflecting upon my day, planning my future. Takde geng nak ajak gaduh bila bosan. Hahahah! Ada bofen je terus lupa diri. Sebok fikir hal bofen, tak fikir diri sendiri dah. 

What I plan to do with this blog? 

Daily updates of course! Aku watpe, makan apa, bangun kul berapa. Just the way I did it 13 years ago. Now that I'm an adult, kita upgrade sikit lah. Takkan nak sama cam budak 12 tahun nye blog kan? Instead of bodo bodo je update aktiviti harian, I will also include some lessons or reflections of the day. Because I found out that I actually have a talent in finding inspiration in even the tiniest little things. 

Kinda like a journal. But a less private one. Hahahah! 

And also, random sharing of tips & tricks every now & then. I haven't truly figure things out yet. So bear with me please! 

Well, this is a lot longer than I had planned. Ingat nak wat intro pendek je. But once I started typing, naik sheikh lak. Kenapa la dulu aku stop kan? Padahal seronok bila dapat menulis ni. Huhuhu. 

Anyway, I hope that you'll find inspirations & motivations thru the things I share here. And I hope I can make your life a little better thru my writings. 

晚安, until tomorrow, 
AF. 
Mini home office.
Jan 21, 00:21. 

------------------------------

P/S: I lied. The last time I blogged properly was in 2013. On a different blog. Still a cringe-fest.